The fairer sex?

What an ambiguous title. Fair has many meanings, and so does sex. In it’s usual usage, the “fairer sex” refers to women, specifically being the more beautiful of the human species. Beautiful is a subjective term, I accept that, and I can happily confirm men are beautiful, and will tell them that frequently. From a biological perspective, this looks at what some may call flamboyance. I chose the above image for this blog deliberately, as it is a universally recognised example of the male being the beautiful one of the species and I wanted to offset the topic with the image. Fair can also mean treating or being treated equally, without discrimination or favouritism. Sex can refer to your biological sex, assigned at birth, but also refers to the act of procreation if we’re speaking heterosexually, but more generally, we mean fucking for any reason. The phrase “fairer sex,” therefore, has a multitude of combinations, and for todays purposes, I am talking about the equity of physical sex, between the sexes. I think it is fair to say, that when it comes to fair sex, without discrimination, we still fall incredibly short of the mark, that mark being a notch in a bedpost (or where ever you like to do it.)

I spent a lot of time thinking about where to start on this topic, inequity is everywhere. I recall conversations in biology classes about how young boys are always touching their bodies, they need to for bodily functions, but little girls are quickly taught shame and the need to hide away their genitalia and to not touch. It feels like that’s some of the earliest experiences we have, based on our bodies, sex and what is considered shameful, depending on gender.

Periods, while not directly linked to sex, form part of the female reproductive health agenda. Admittedly things here have improved, but given I’ve not sat in on a period based educational session since the ’80’s (I’m not even going to try, that’s just weird) I’m going on a general perception formed by a wider societal attitude to periods. Girls encounter a stark, monthly reminder of fertility, and hormonal cycles in their bodies that mean both their appetite for and attitude to sex changes. I’m fully aware this is not an unfairness thrust upon young women by society, it is a biological fact we cannot change, but it illustrates the difference between fertility for men (all month round, and far later in life) and fertility for women (a fertile window in the month, and no chance post-menopause.) You really have to think carefully about this difference when you consider attitudes to sex, contraception and conception that are prevailing to this day. I saw a comment once, years ago, in a teen magazine (yes I am old enough to have read teen magazines) about contraception and its impact on young women, that said “it’s far easier to take the bullets out of a gun, than fire at someone in a bullet proof vest” which is a far more eloquent way to say that it makes more sense to have male contraceptives than female, than I will ever come up. She had a point.

Before I continue with the prophylactics, there are so many myths around periods and sex. How many men have I heard chuckling about sex being good for pain relief, or doing anal instead if “the river runs red.” I see red at that, because it smacks of men putting their sexual needs ahead of the woman, and trying to pass it off as a pain-reliving favour, or their gracious acceptance of an alternative, the poor buggers (pun intended.) I’m enraged by the misconceptions about tampons, I saw a well meaning section of a film where a woman needs to borrow a tampax, and her friend shouts out “what are we plugging here? The Grand Canyon or..?” Yes it’s true that no woman would ever leave a sister hanging when she’s in a sanitary situation, but for Satan’s sake, vaginas don’t work that way! Tampons are sold by absorbency, not fanny filling features! They expand when absorbing liquid and form a fit, as needed.

I’ve been shamed as a teenager for using the “big” tampons (and for using tampons at all, my hymen is more important than my convenience and comfort it seems). There was, and still is, an obsession around vagina size and associated sexual promiscuity, and it rears it’s ugly head with sanitary products. Now it just so happens that I have a rather rare condition, called uterus didelphys coupled with cervix duplication, and so I have pleasure of two whole womb linings. While I shed the linings at the same time (periods are hormone controlled so there’s no way I can shed one at a time, nor do I want to, a double onslaught is the lesser of two evils) I have twice the amount to contend with, and so my requirement for the most absorbent tampons was and never will be, anything to do with the size of my vagina, or my sexual exploits, despite what I got told at school. Please remember that if you encounter any sort of conversation about period products, and if you have an issue with the use of tampons based on some old-fashioned ideas of virginity and purity, both of my wombs will thank you for fucking off.

While we’re at it, can we leave the choice around period sex to the women please. Some find the hormones increase their appetite, there’s good science to support the usefulness of an orgasm in helping the process of shedding a lining, some continue to enjoy sex, in all of its forms with the right tactics and products. You can miss me with the offering of pain relieving favours, or the pressure to appease you some other way. If I don’t want to, I ain’t going to. I must add here though, that I am also not suggesting I will insist on period sex if my partner is not comfortable with it. I get that, I respect that and it is a personal choice for everyone involved. You’re allowed an opinion and a preference, but you aren’t allowed to force that on someone else. Just remember you aren’t born thinking blood down there is disgusting or repulsive (in most cases you are literally born into that) and if that’s what is stopping you, ask yourself where you got that idea? Also ask yourself why a hormonal cycle, as old as time, and linked to the birth of every person who has ever walked this earth, can ever be described as disgusting, whether connected to sex or not. (If you’ve not already read it, and you’re digging this section, might I recommend an earlier blog post of mine; Blood Moon.)

Now I’ve got that off my chest, let’s return to contraception. You may well be aware of recent concerns with the AZ COVID 19 vaccine, when used in those under the age of 40, linked to heart issues. Certainly in the UK, AZ is not recommended to people under the age of 40, even though the risk is relatively low. There was a furore at the time (rightly so) that the same risk was much higher for women taking various contraceptive pills, but these are still dispensed all day every day to ladies around the world. Sadly, that’s not the only side effect of the pill for most women. You see weight gain, low mood, skin issues, sore breasts, spotting, feeling sick, headaches, decreased sex-drive, discharge and vision problems. Yet this is the price paid by women, for consequence free sex. I fail to see how the mild inconvenience of a condom compares to that veritable smorgasbord of side-effects, or why a male pill isn’t a thing. I can’t find the comment now, so I am going to caveat this next statement carefully in case I dreamt it, but I am sure I saw something relating to a male pill being shelved, because the study participants reported similar side-effects to those experienced by women (and possibly even milder in their manifestation) and they didn’t want to inflict that on fellas. I’ve also heard some people (blokes, it’s always blokes) say that it is perfectly reasonable for women to be the one to take the pills and the side-effects, because the alternative is an unwanted pregnancy – LIKE THAT’S NOT A CONSEQUENCE FOR THE GUYS TOO, because unfortunately it isn’t, if the guy doesn’t want it.

I would like to acknowledge that it does happen, and is as equally appalling, to men, and they can be tricked into thinking contraceptives are in use, or be the victims of rape and find themselves financially responsible for a child they did not want, and had taken reasonable steps to avoid, or had their choice taken away from them. So I know it’s not just women, but it’s fair to say, it is more likely to be women left with the consequences of conception, and therefore, the expectation of contraception. How is that fair sex?

I can recall when the morning-after pill became something you could get over the counter at a pharmacy. Prior to that, you had to make a GP appointment and get a prescription. While it was a big step forward for women in gaining some control when things had not gone to plan, it is by no means perfect. I can recall the outrage at the time around accessibility and the consequences. What I now recognise as “gammons” (red-faced, outraged old men) were complaining on the TV that women would use the morning after pill as an excuse to go out shagging, without fear or the consequence, you know, like blokes do. The audacity!! Imagine having sex like a little life didn’t depend on it! I’ve had the morning after pill a few times over the years, for a couple of reasons, and I can assure you, it is not something I would use so frivolously. If you put aside the fact you still have to go into a cubicle of shame and explain to the pharmacist what’s happened and answer a raft of questions, the pill works by forcing your womb lining to shed, so if anything has got fertilised, it’s swiftly evicted. Faced with the choice between carefree, condom free sex and a forced period soon after, or protected sex/the pill/coil etc. or no sex, I’m firmly in the latter section, thank you very much. Emergency contraception is exactly that, a last-resort when the other carefully taken precautions have failed, or been over-ridden. How presumptuous of any gammon to think taking it is a puff of glitter, an empty womb and on to the next cock. So what if women did want to fuck-about, find out and then take it? I can only assume objectors (mainly blokes) think life begins at conception, otherwise how else can they have a carefree wank, without depriving the world of one of their fully developed tadpoles?

This brings me to the thing that’s really bothering me, abortion. It’s been legal in the UK (where I am) since 1968, but only since 2018 in Ireland, so I have watched women I know and love, impacted by living in a country where it was illegal, in my lifetime. I’ve watched Texas outlaw abortion post-6 weeks in the last few weeks. To put that in context, most women don’t realise they are pregnant (if it’s not being deliberately tried for, and even then…) until week 7 or 8. If you’re getting on it as soon as your period finishes, it’s going to be about 4 weeks until that next missing period alerts you to the possibility. Ever tried to get a doctors appointment and treatment in a 2 week window? It is effectively an abortion ban, however you dress it up. I don’t need to repeat the endless and sensible protests made around this being an attack on women. There is so little regard and care for children once they’re born (see hungry children in the UK denied free meals when schools were closed, underfunding of schools and the increasing poverty gap, that hits children harder than most) that this zealous protection of the unborn can only be a charade, misdirection to maintain control of the bodies of women.

Trust me, we don’t want emergency contraception for carefree sex, we’d rather preemptive contraception, so we especially aren’t wanting to be aborting fetuses left, right and centre like it’s as simple as getting haircut (it isn’t) as an alternative to contraception. Abortions are needed for a variety of reasons, all of which are valid, ranging from “I don’t want a baby” right through to awful examples of rape or life-threatening conditions for the child and/or the mother. No woman should be forced to give birth, no woman should come second in the pecking order to a cluster of cells. I am sure you’ve seen the terrifying configurations of cash rewards for reporting women who have had an abortion, and jail time for those having an abortion compared to the perpetrator of the crime that created said pregnancy. It is horrifying. I can picture a smug politician, crossing their (or his) arms and crowing that the safest approach is not to have sex then. So a ban on abortions is saying to women, you can only have sex if you fully plan and intend to get pregnant, and if that comes with complications, even if you want the baby, tough shit. How is that fair sex? We are scientifically able to prevent the consequences of many actions for humans, you can get Viagra posted to your home if you have erectile dysfunction, no questions asked (alright there are questions to click, but it’s more of a disclaimer.) You can be treated for less auspicious lifestyle choices and mistakes you’ve made, but if you’re a pregnant woman you immediately lose control of your body, which is even worse when that pregnancy was an accident or the result of a crime. Even when access to abortions is legal, women are still frowned upon for accessing them, even though every single pregnancy involves a man too. People look down on single mothers, not the absent fathers. Women are punished for promiscuity and the double standard is appalling, insidious and imprinted on us from an early age. We all know the arguments for legalisation of various things, for example sex work or marijuana – usually around the ability to regulate and make safe practices that otherwise take place underground. The reverse is true, and if you make something illegal, you don’t stop it, you just drive it underground. How many women will be forced to mutilate themselves, or attend unsafe and illegal practices to have the procedure done? How sacred are those lives? The poorest of women, already struggling to access contraception and sexual health care, cannot drive/fly to a country for a legal abortion, so it’s a war on the poor too.

Sex is not fair for women. Biology means our bodies carry the consequences or sex, but society dictates that we are punished for this over and over, in all aspects of our lives. When will men be held to the same standards and consequences? Because until they are, nothing will change in how pregnancy is treated, and attitudes will not change. We are entitled to sex for pleasure, we are entitled to dictate what happens to our bodies and to have the autonomy of choice, without being punished.

I want fairer sex, and fairer sex alone.