Femicide

This may not amount to anything more than a rant today, a fact I won’t apologise for. The rage and sadness I am feeling is no doubt lodged in the minds of most women waking up in the UK today, and over the last few weeks in particular.

I feel like half the world is unavailable to me. I’m not talking about the obvious issues around equality, such as pay, access to education and reproductive rights. I am more literal today. The streets and parks and unlit areas of the world are places I feel I can’t go. They are places half the population can’t go. I’m reminded of some advert about choice where they got a couple of actors to stand at the entrance to a shopping centre or something and arbitrarily stop some people going in, with no reason. Then letting others stroll on in, fully in view of the excluded. It didn’t take long for those denied access to kick off, only women can’t kick off. It’s not safe.

It’s been another thing to be afraid of. You see the police asking parents to not threaten their children with them when they’re misbehaving, because children should run to police officers when they’re scared, not be scared of them. But grown women now can’t do this. I read a long conversation on a legal advice site last night, while the anger and fear kept me awake. Concerned women asking what their rights are if they are being arrested in light of the revelations in the Everard murder. The general consensus was that he held a valid warrant card, most officers aren’t going to stop and wait for someone they are arresting to verify they are legitimate, and had Sarah called 101, it wouldn’t have helped anyway. He was a serving officer, who had been on shift that day. What upset me the most was watching women weighing up the consequences of resisting arrest with the consequences of the officer arresting them intending them serious harm, and having to choose the lesser of two punishments.

Those saying not all police officers don’t realise they are literally saying not all men. It isn’t all police officers, but if I can’t tell who is safe and who isn’t, it’s all police officers. I am so angry that those meant to protect me are now something else I have to protect myself from. I am angry that I am expected to take precautions, I am being made to treat the symptoms, not the cause.

I am angry that Sabina Nessa couldn’t safely walk to meet a friend, across a park that in daylight is full of children and families. She should have access to every square inch of this planet, without fear, but she will never set foot on any of it again. I am sick of the immediate comments being that it is somehow the fault of women – out too late, out alone, drunk, dressed provocatively (what even is that?) – it’s our world too and we are entitled to live in it and enjoy it the same way that men do. I expressed my anger about women being told to stay in, and suggested we should slap a curfew on the men – the disgust I was met with, by men – you can’t do that to us, we’ve done nothing wrong… The irony is so strong here I reckon it’s only vulnerable to Kryptonite.

I wonder if Sabina’s killer has displayed any tendency for violence against women. We know Sarah’s did. I’m appalled that his coworkers knew what he was like, nicknamed him the rapist, and no one spoke up about him. I mailed my CEO today and told him I’d been creeped out by male colleagues in his company and had not felt able to call it out, and asked him to look long and hard about what the company can do about that. I told him I’d been violently attacked twice in my life and once was while travelling alone for his business. I resent having to ask that more be done to protect me, when really I want the company to take a stand against misogynistic members of their workforce and in the communities they serve. I am doing nothing wrong by walking back to my hotel from my office, alone and after dark – but the threat feels so great I will accept a portion of the blame if measures are put in place that mean I don’t have to “put myself in risky situations” on corporate business.

I feel like men have a sense of entitlement to women and their bodies. A sense that their needs are to be met at any cost, and women foot the bill. I don’t know where to begin in tackling something so insidious and systemic. It’s exhausting – trying to protect myself directly all the time, and trying to protect every woman. I feel like I am shrinking, hiding away to avoid the attention of dangerous men. I read the news around the court proceedings yesterday while shopping for new clothes for my impending graduation, and removed every item from my shopping bag because I am worried they are provocative, suggestive or will draw too much attention. I’m exhausted trying to explain how this feels to the men in my life, who placate but who don’t fully understand their privilege and tell me I’m overreacting. They can’t understand the very fibres of my life are being twisted to try to stay safe. The shoes I wear, the clothes I pick, the way I wear my hair, the things I carry in pockets and bags, the places I avoid, the music I miss, the money I spend on safer transport or to travel in numbers. I am at war.

I want to rage down the streets, join the ranks of Sisters Uncut, stare down any man out alone on the streets after dark. I want to burn the institutions that perpetuate misogyny and protect the offenders. But I am too damn tired. I am fighting on too many fronts and the only way I feel safe is to shut myself away. I don’t know how to take meaningful action, yet. But I sense I soon will and I am clinging on to the hope that my energy will return and I can somehow make a difference. Until then, I am in self-preservation mode, and I see you women out there feeling the same way, and I love you. Take time to process this, the fight will be waiting for us, when we are ready.