Why does it take someone else pointing out something I’m already very aware of, to really make it real? Is it the validation of someone else recognising something you maybe try to downplay or dismiss? Is it the fact I can’t try and rationalise someone else’s testimony?
Worryingly I am very aware of being interrupted or spoken over, particularly by this individual in question for well over 18 months now, and I’ve just quietly resigned myself to it. Another person pointing it out made me suddenly feel very complacent.
Admittedly I have adopted an approach of not stopping when I’m interrupted or spoken over until eventually he (because it is a he) gives up. But it makes me cringe the same way you cringe if you’ve ever watched a live broadcast of something and there is a sound delay. There’s a lot of confusion and “can you hear me?” coming from this guy (let’s call him Guy) because he can’t quite believe his efforts to silence me aren’t working, and it must be broken technology… right?
Wrong.
I’ve spoken to Guy before about his approach. We work too far away to ever work face to face (thank you Satan) and so our interactions are entirely virtual. This brings with it additional challenges when you can’t see each other. He had his camera on, but I didn’t (having been over zealous with a purple hair treatment earlier in the week, I am channelling Barney and keeping it to myself). There might have been something in my body language that may have alerted him to the fact I was still talking, but that’s being generous. The easiest way to tell if I am still talking, is if I AM STILL TALKING.
It didn’t help that we’re working on a piece of change that I am not fully bought into, and he is not fully bought into, but it’s for different reasons. It’s been very hard to persuade myself this work needs doing, and he is very concerned about being in charge of what is being done, and being heard when he says big important things about how he’s one level off the Executive Committee on this. So I don’t want to do it because I disagree with the concept, and he doesn’t want me to do it because I’m not him and he does the big important things.
Due to aggressive timescales, working patterns and diaries we scraped 30 minutes together for me to set expectations and explain what I need to happen in the coming weeks. And that created something of a hurried, cluttered agenda with a hard stop after the half hour was up. Frustratingly the first 20 minutes consisted of me being interrupted as I tried to confirm the steps needed, and answering question that Guy put to other men on the call, when I was the one who could answer them.
I can tell when Guy is feeling small. He resorts to jargon, lots of chuckles and the phrase “well of course” a lot. And so he breaks into a mind numbing soliloquy of “level 3” this and “risk framework” that. It’s totally off topic, unhelpful and a tangent so broad I’m fairly sure we’ve left the country.
That’s when the message lands. Male peer. He’s less experienced than me, and missed the first phase of this change last year, so has done the sensible thing and decided to listen and observe. Turns out it’s not just what is being said he’s tuned into.
I don’t know why he decided to say something, or to just say something to me. If he’s noticed it, how do I feel about him speaking up on the call and pointing it out? Patronised is the feeling I land on. I shouldn’t have to ask other male coworkers to clear space for me to speak. But I would hope that he would maybe tell Guy directly what he’d noticed.
I can’t dwell on the message too long as I’m further kicked while I’m down as my boss repeats my explanation of a reporting metric and how the software will be coded to capture insight we’re missing. What’s funny is I know my boss doesn’t understand it either, and he’s parroting the words I used earlier, but suddenly Guy is all ears. He nods along very sagely and knowingly and I’m banging my head against my monitor.
Why haven’t I said something? Partly because I’d resigned myself to his communication “style” (for style read cunt). So it was just another day, another call with Guy. Another part is because Guy comes with an ego so large he needs a wheelbarrow for it. Objecting to his “communication style” is poking the bear (not the one I’d rather meet in the woods) in a manner I cannot be bothered to try and tame.
We have to cooperate to deliver this project, and I’d rather work with the man than the bear, so raising issues around interruptions and talking over me feels too much like a rod on my back, that I made.
Is that cowardly of me? Am I being forced into taking a decision that devalues me, in order to try and maintain an environment I can operate in. When can I stop pandering to ego and being treated like an unequal member of discussion in order to function?
Mary Beard wrote a very short book on this, Women & Power. She’s by trade a historian and a feminist by excellent choice, so her manifesto is based on classical history. She wrote about how the attitudes around which voices command respect and should be listened to come from Ancient Greece. Obviously only men are listened to, and there is even evidence of male speakers being ridiculed for sounding too feminine and their skills and ability being called into question.
Weird historic people right? Nope. Margaret Thatcher took vocal coaching to lower the tone of her voice to be taken more seriously. She’s famously known for being ever more masculine in order to gain credibility. I’m not a fan of her in the slightest, but she’s proof that male voices are still more respected and more attention is paid than to the voices of women. This is literal and figurative and I’m tired of having to politely ignore this ignorance or having to hear MY words from a man’s mouth in order for them to hold any weight.
I’m equal parts angry at the lack of awareness Guy has, the passive observations of others who witness it, and the fact I’ve been letting it happen.
I guess we’ll know what I do when my next blog is about how to doxx a colleague and punch them in their relentlessly flapping mouth, or how to get a job after you punched someone in the mouth. Or it might be an angry tirade about repeated behaviours and how much I want to punch Guy in the mouth.
I can’t be the only one struggling to navigate this bullshit. Come on women, speak up!
What's Love Goth to do with it? 